tent warningsslurs, nonsensual surgery

  [colpse]Chapter 9: Balls2024 March 8FridayMy arm wakes me up early, just like Cire said happened with hers. It could be a ce, though, right? Maybe Beth screwed up the arm settings somehow.

  I hear a knoy door followed by Beth’s voice. “Get dressed Joe. I’ll be ba fifteen minutes.”

  The red light on my door’s fingerprint reader is lit. This is it, then. They’re really going through with it.

  From what Cire said, Beth will return with two other sponsors—possibly more since I’m less likely to go voluntarily—they’ll lead me to a room half to the surface, they’ll have me lie on a bed, and then they’ll perform the procedure.

  Absent aer ideas, I put opants and a tank top, sit on my bed, and wait for Beth’s return.

  Beth knocks again and announces, “I’m opening the door, Joe.”

  She does so, and I see Ames and Maria standing beside her. Both of them have tasers.

  Beth, to my surprise, has both of her hands free. She looks like she did the day Tabby annouheir pns for us. She’s determio see this through, but there’s no joy in her eyes.

  She obviously doesn’t want this for me, so how she be so certain that it’s a thing I need?

  Beth says, “e with us, Joe.”

  There’s a voi the bay head screaming, “Fight back, you fug pussy! Be a man. Don’t let those bitches emascute you. You did nothing to deserve this!”

  As I look at Beth and try to decide how to respond to her order, the full realization of the voice’s worth sinks in. I realize it may as well belong to my dad.

  And that makes it o worthless, doesn’t it? I spent my whole life following the lessons of that man, and all it led to was a list of is several pages long that included an arrest, an expulsion, and at least one ruined friendship. I didn’t even like my dad, but I still let him dictate how I would act.

  Meanwhile, I’ve knowh for less than six months, and it’s like I feel the ck of weight from all the junk she’s been exg from me. Hell, one of my best friends now is an hoo-God trans girl, and I’ve actually beeed to see her grow into her real self.

  I still don’t want or even uand why I have to do this, but I have to trust Beth knows what she’s doing.

  Beth asks, “Joe?”

  Ames and Maria have their tasers raised.

  “Right, I’m ing.”

  They lead me down the main hallway away from the bedrooms and open the door at the end. Then, we climb one level up the stairs.

  Further up the stairwell, I see another door, retly opened and slowly swinging closed. It’s too dark to make out maails, but I think I see a dining room oher side. I’m so close to the surface that I could make a break for it if I wao.

  But then I’d get tased in the bad probably die falling dowairs. I don’t think I could five myself for the trauma that would cause to Beth.

  I don’t think I could five myself if I succeeded in esg, either.

  I force myself to focus, leave the stairwell, and walk down a hallway.

  “That’s the toilet,” Beth says while pointing toward an open door he hallway’s end. “Use it now, because you won’t get another ce for a while. We’ll give you a few minutes.”

  After I finish taking care of business and wash my hands, I’m led to another room. There’s another woman in there. I assume she’s a surgeon. There’s also a hospital bed holding a gown.

  Beth tells me to get ged and to lie down.

  When I finish lying on the bed, Beth steps close by. Then, she reaches for my hand. I take hers, and I don’t let go.

  The surgeon asks Beth if I o be restrained. Beth gives my hand a squeeze and I quietly answer, “No.”

  The other woman double checks her equipment, and then she prepares to castrate me.

  2024 March 14ThursdayI haven’t left my room sihe orchiey except to use the bathroom and wash myself. All of my meals have been delivered via my dumbwaiter. Beth visits me every day to make sure I’m rec well and taking care of myself. Cire visits also, and or had been, but now he’s stu a state simir to my own.

  Beth is just about to finish this evening’s visit, when I reach out and grab her hand.

  “ you stay a while longer?” I ask.

  “Of course,” she says.

  I think about what I want to say for a little while and then remember something that seems kind of funny in hindsight.

  “I thought maybe after the orchi that I’d feel different somehow. Like without a pair of balls between my legs I’d suddenly feel more like the girl you’re trying to turo. And I know it’s stupid. Trans me even born with balls, but they’re still men. I had hoped, though.”

  Beth quietly giggles at what I said.

  “I ’t do this, Beth.”

  She squeezes my hand while I tialking. “I hate who I was before. The boy you picked up was inded and violent and really did believe that he was beyond responsibility for his as.

  “I’m gd he’s gone. Hell, you could tell me right now that I don’t o follow your pn anymore. Even offer me some testosterone and prosthetics so I go back to how I was before. I think I’d refuse. I’m gd that boy is gone, and I never want to be him again.

  “But I’m not like Cire, Beth. There’s no woman inside my heart or brain or anywhere who’s been waiting for permission to e out.

  “I’m just nothing now.”

  Beth brings her other hand in so she csp miween hers.

  She speaks. “Joe. You do this. I’m sure of it.”

  “But how? I just told you I’m not a woman. I ’t ‘fake it till I make it’ or whatever to ge that.”

  She looks to the side in thought, slowly breaths in, and says, “I’m sure you do it, because you have to do it. Because I have three hundred quid riding on there not being any washouts this year.”

  “Jesus Christ, Beth! What the hell?”

  “Couldn’t help myself. Plus, that’s the most emotion I’ve seen from you in a week.”

  I am a little more present, true, but it doesn’t actually solve the problem.

  Beth speaks some more. “But seriously, Joe. I really do know you do this, because…

  “Joe, you keep a secret?”

  And theells me about a boy. This boy had parents who, rich with new money, decided he was most valuable to them as a way to establish their hey sent this boy to a b school full of other boys whose names were supposedly worth more than his own, and when those other boys stole from him, beat him, or worse, nobody came to help. The boy only had one real friend, and even she left him in the end.

  This boy learned only loneliness and violence, and he cultivated an attitude that the world owed him. And so he took what he could, not through physical force but through intimidation of others, specifically women, who wouldn’t fight back. And he never faced any real sequences for his as.

  But then one day, he awoke in a cell underh Dorley Hall. There, another “boy” in his intake helped vince him he’d done wrong—“and yes, Joe, the sexy ginger you hit on did want to kidnap you after all.” The boy’s sponsor Maria taught him there was another way to live. The two together, and with the help of so many of the boy’s new Sisters, taught the boy to be the “prim, proper, and universally beloved” woman holding my hand right now.

  “Joe,” she says, “when you leave here, and I promise you will leave here, it won’t be as the broken boy you started as. You’ll still be you: a passionate person who enjoys designing simuted rockets, reading about psychology and sociology, and watg sports of questionable worth, but you’ll also be someoer.

  “It won’t be easy. Whether or not you choose to follow them after you’re dohere’s a lot of rules to learn about being a girl—and do not pin about these rules to Aunt Bea upstairs—but your other Sisters and I will be with you every step of the way.

  “And if you’ll have me, and it is up to you, I’d be hoo t you as my own little sister to love, and to guide, and to torment as one would expect from any older sibling.”

  I’ve never had a problem being an only child, but the thought of havih as a big sister…

  “I’d like that,” I say.

  And I colpse into Beth’s arms and cry.

  2024 March 15FridayAfter a few hours , talking, and more g, Beth and I both fell asleep. I wake up first and see Beth lying on the side of my bed opposite the wall. She’s sn gently.

  She’s made herself so vulnerable by being here. She’s made everybody vulnerable, if only to my words.

  She told me st night, “Everybody here has some kind of history, but those are their stories to tell, and only if and when they choose to do so. I trust you’ll respect that. Especially when it es to Maria.”

  Beth looked particurly insistent on that st point.

  I asked, “You mean they all…?”

  “Yes, all of them. Well, except for Ames. They were born a girl, learhrough a friend what we do here, and decided they liked the idea enough to help. They’re dating Serena’s sponsor, actually. But everyone else, yes.”

  Still, even if only half the women here used to be boys like me, that proves this is actually possible. And if Beth thinks this is the only way to leave my toxic past behind, that proves this is actually necessary.

  So that’s it then. I’m going to be a girl.

  Beth stops sn and starts to stir.

  I say, “Good m, Beth.”

  “M, Sis… sorry, was that too soon?”

  I ugh. “No, it’s alright.”

  “Are you feeling up for joining the others for breakfast this m, or would you rather I have somethihrough the dumbwaiter again?”

  “I think I’m up for joining them ter today, but not quite yet. Will you be staying here much longer?”

  “If you’d like me to.”

  “I would.”

  “Of course. Would you like some coffee?”

  “Sure.”

  Beth pulls out her phone and taps out a message.

  “That reminds me,” she says. “Now that you’re in the know, I should add you to the appropriate sensus els. They’re still monitored by the sponsors, but it’s a good way to share resources and iserate.”

  “Who else is in the know?” I ask.

  “Pippa told Cire not very long after the big annou in December, and Serena told Andrew in February.”

  “I khere was something up with him! And I was beginning to think he and Cire… never mind.”

  Beth gives me a knowing grin, and then she says, “Tabby pns to tell or sometime within the week. I don’t know for sure about the other two, but I hear Maria and Paige are thinking of turning their disclosure into some kind of couples event.”

  The light on the dumbwaiter turns green, signaling the arrival of breakfast. There’s some croissants and two mugs of coffee waiting for us.

  I take a bite into one of the croissants. It’s perfectly fky.

  “Wow,” I say. “This is amazing.”

  “Right? One of the sed years is great at baking. Very calm about it, too.”

  It’s going to take a while to get used to Beth’s asides now that she has nothing to hide.

  “I um… don’t know the first thing about baking, actually. Or cooking in general. Those activities werely enced.”

  “You’ll learn. Just like I did.”

  I guess I will then.

  Beth picks up a mug, takes a sip of coffee, and then looks more closely.

  “Darn,” she says. “I could have sworn I asked for the pin mugs.”

  Beth turns her mug so I see the text printed on the side. It says, WORLD’S BEST KIDNAPPER. I pick up the other one and take a look. It says, The first rule of forced-fem club is you do not talk about forced-fem club.

  Beth chimes in, “I heard Paige came up with the sed phrase shortly after she moved upstairs, but nobody had it put on a mug yet. It seemed like a crime, so I decided to do it myself.”

  Maybe I was better off staying out of the know.

  * * *

  > WELE TO #2023-intake on **Dorley Internal**> This el (like all els on Dorley Internal) should not be seen by outsiders. Alractice good opsec.> Special note: 2023 Intake Sponsors will tio have access to this el until the st member graduates. ??

  JoeWow. I didn’t expect to have access so soon.

  CireBearJoe!!! I was beginning to think they’d ell you. And Pippa says ight get disclosed soon also. I’m so excited!

  An DrewHi Joe.

  CireBearBut seriously. It’s felt like they set up this el just for me. Andrew doesn’t really do sensus.

  An DrewGuilty

  JoeWell, I lurked a couple servers before, mostly about ics or video games, but I could see chatting more now there’s someone worth talking to.Someones.

  CireBearAre you feeling up to lun the dining room today, Joe?

  JoeI think so, yeah. If I’m seeing this through, it starts with showing my face again.

  I guess I’ll see you in a few minutes “Cire Bear”.

  CireBear??

  Tabitha@Joe, before you leave your room, put your dirty dishes in the dumbwaiter. Indira was missing her favorite mug this m.

  Who’s Indira?