Chapter 17
[Apologies, dear readers, I tricked you. Though the last chapter ended perfectly logically, I decided not to saw off the Jon Snow I’m sitting on. Once again, sorry.]
What… What the fuck was that? Never caught hallucinations like that in my life… Shit… What’s this feeling? Why do I suddenly wanna split and multiply? I must’ve smashed my head hard… Wait… Am I alive? Hell yeah, I’m alive! Head’s still here, arms, legs… Hold up, where’re my legs? Why can’t I feel them? Let’s try getting up. Pffft… Yeah, right… Think I broke a few ribs. Gotta run a diagnostic with magic. It’s probably the only thing I can do right now. Head’s a bit banged up, but the skull’s intact. Arms: crack in the left forearm. Lungs, heart, liver—seem fine… That’s the list of organs that aren’t fucked. Alright, the ones I know the names of, anyway. Stomach’s messed up, intestines too. Legs? No clue. No signal’s getting through, probably because I had the bright idea to snap my spine. Same with my pelvis. Oh, and I’ve got internal bleeding. Looks like someone cranked the difficulty knob in this game to max it out. Guess the devs underestimated me. How about a meteor shower, a robot army, and some neurotoxin in the air while we’re at it? Why not? Shut up, or I swear you’ll jinx it…
Honestly, I’m damn lucky to be conscious. Resilience worked like a champ. But what to do with my other half, I’ve got no idea. Wait… Other half… Gotta check something urgently. Like, fucking urgently. I need to sit up a bit. Screw the ribs puncturing my lungs. Pain off! I propped myself up on my arms and leaned against the rock. Yeesh… grim sight… My legs look, to put it mildly, rough. Like two spaghetti strands stuffed with minced meat, drowned in tomato sauce. But that’s not what worried me. Something way more valuable was at stake. Holding my breath, I reached into my treasure vault. My heart pounded like crazy, pumping blood into my abdominal cavity. Small price to pay. Just need my treasures intact. Alright, one… two… three… Phew… What a relief… Now, time to figure out how not to die from blood loss anytime soon. That’s the top priority, and I gotta throw every resource at it. Every last one… Yeah… Gotta solve this ASAP… Right after a quick nap… Feeling so damn sleepy…
Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.
- DON’T SLEEP!!!
- Major Payne?
- Train Major Payne!
- Right, Train Major Payne!
- Did I permit sleeping?!
- No!
- What?!
- You didn’t permit it, Sir Train!
- Whisper it in my window…
- Uh… Sorry, but there’s too many microbes and bacteria out there. They’re glaring at me all evil-like…
- Yeah… We’re watching you…
- No! Get lost! Someone get me soap!
- Haha… That won’t help… We’re waiting for our chance to reincarnate in your body. You know the human body’s 60% foreign microorganisms? That means you’re more microbe than man.
- No! I don’t wanna be a microbe!
- Nobody’s asking you… Once we take over, we’ll do all sorts of crazy shit, like strolling through town blasting rap on a speaker.
- Not that…
- We’ll run a TikTok.
- No…
- And… we’ll root for Tottenham.
- NOOOOOO!!! I don’t want, don’t want, don’t want… Why?… Why me?…
- Because we don’t like you.
- Got it… Hey, microbes, got any water? I’m dying of thirst.
- Sure. We’ll give you some if you walk Grok.
- Deal. But… he’s kinda bald. Is he okay?
- I’m fine, look at yourself.
- What’s wrong with me?
- Disgusting… How can anyone be that gross?
- Come on. Let’s be friends. Gimme your paw.
- Keep your nasty stumps off me, they’re all bloody.
- What? Where’d I get blood on them? Gotta wash my hands! Someone get water! Please, where’s the water?
- Toilet’s over there, behind the rock. Left tap’s lava, right’s sulfuric acid. Watch out, don’t trip on the chains.
- Thanks, Baron. No water, though?
- Nope. Shut off for non-payment.
- Damn… How much’s the bill?
- Three thousand fingers.
- Where am I supposed to get that many?
- Ask Kaneki. By the way… You’re Zorghertilahter, so act like it. I made you a cake. Say “aaaah.”
- But that’s a rock…
- What? Nooo… It’s your favorite stone cake! Hold him, boys. Becoming an aristocrat takes loooots of effort…
- Let me go! Let me go! Expecto Patronus!
…
Pffft… Ha… Ha… Ha… Fuck… Passed out again… Resilience, you bitch, don’t slack off! Did I just defibrillate myself in my sleep? Shit…
- Grrrr… Grrrr…
- Oh, shit… Hey there, pup. You alone? I really hope you’re alone, buddy. Don’t wanna run into your pals again. There’s a fuck-ton of them. All hungry as hell, like me in my first year of college. Gotta say, your timing’s perfect. See, I’ve lost a lot of blood, and I desperately need a donor.