1.36: A Wild RideI bowed over and over on the pavement, my forehead nearly scraping the urine soaked concrete, facing the far more saturated, leaf-covered man.

  “I’m so sorry! It wasn’t my intention to pee all over you!”

  “Wow, Susu. I thought you were some kind of a secret genius for a moment there…” Rui was intensely disappointed in me. The disappointment in her eyes cut through me.

  “I’m so sorrrrrrrrrryy!!!” I excimed.

  “Anyway, Susu, just… wow. You’re the most disgusting yokai I’ve ever seen or met… like ever,” Rui said, finally blushing as she finally acknowledged my crime.

  “I never asked to be one!” I yelled back, noh-gring at her, burning with humiliation.

  “D-don’t prostrate yourself before this lesser one, Master!” the urine-stained man cried, suddenly kneeling beside me with unexpected reverence. “You must not! You cimed me for yourself! That’s no mean feat I assure you! Only the mightiest in the world could have caught me! You shame me if you continue to act this way!”

  …

  The wind rose and caused the little puddles of my pee to gently ripple. A leaf floated down to gentle rest on the surface and slowly rotated as it floated.

  …

  W-what?! Master??

  Is he some kind of a café maid yokai??

  I stared at the tanuki, uncertain. Meanwhile, Rui exploded into hysterics.

  “Ahahahaha! It was my genius that defeated you, Akuchi! Lesser one, my ass! Susumu here is my henchman, which means I’m your mistress!”

  “Ehhhhhh?” I noh-blinked violently.

  “You seem confused!” Akuchi said, ignoring Rui’s attempt to seize command. “Perhaps I misunderstood! I apologize for insulting you earlier, Master! I was simply… upset! I wasn’t ready for this moment!”

  I looked at him with a bnk expression.

  …

  That leaf was continuously spinning in that puddle as the breeze gusted around it, performing a graceful dance… just for me.

  …

  “My mother always taught me: if someone has the nerve to pee on you, then fate has bound you and that one together! I thought this would never happen, and yet… you’ve boldly cimed me as yours! I’m so happy!”

  “What are you even going on about, Akuchi?” Rui snapped, pnting her hands on her hips. “Stop ignoring me, you moron! I’m your real mistress! I won’t marry you, though. Rui-Rui is only meant for the touch of cute girls like her! Ahahahaha!” She threw her chest forward proudly like some budget idol posing for a poster.

  “I’m not interested,” Akuchi deadpanned, completely unfazed.

  Rui’s eyes widened and she clenched her teeth.

  “I’ve never been so humiliated,” The tanuki went on, completely giddy as though he was… getting married. “Yet somehow… I’m just so happy! My partner! It’s destiny! Our destiny!”

  “N-NO!!!!” I shrieked, bolting to my feet and sprinting up the alleyway like a madman. As expected, he followed me immediately… exactly like a wildly determined puppy.

  My night was ending with me being chased by a mysterious man across Tokyo.

  Fantastic.

  I scurried behind Rui, using her as a wall to keep him away from me. We performed a dance. It wasn’t easy to keep him that far away from me.

  Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! I’m NOT READY!!!!

  “You idiots!” Rui bellowed. “We don’t have time for a stupid tag game on top of that silly ass Marco Polo game! ENOUGH! SIT!”

  For reasons unknown to sane men, my body obeyed. I dropped to my butt and skidded to a stop, directly into that puddle. I accidentally sunk my little dancing leaf friend…

  …

  Nooooooooooooooooo!!!

  …

  Maybe I’d simply been trained into submission by her tone at this point. Although my butt was soggy and my leaf friend was gone, maybe forever, I stayed there.

  Akuchi skidded beside me, sitting with simir obedience.

  What?!!

  We turned together toward the oni stomping toward us, her umbrel flourished like a sword of judgment.

  “We have a noh-face to capture, Akuchi! I require you to transform into a motorcycle, right now! We can’t spare a single second! We need to get to the closest station right now!”

  “Ehhhhhh?” I noh-blinked again, halfway horrified.

  “Do you wish to ride me, right now Master?” Akuchi asked with a disturbingly pleased smile.

  “N-n—ahhhhhh!!!” My revulsion was so strong I couldn’t keep it internalized this time. I tried to reject Akuchi’s invitation, but Rui whacked me on the helmet with her umbrel.

  The ringing in my ears sted a full five seconds.

  “Say yes. We need transportation. Tell him you want to ride him—” Her eyes went sharp and she smirked as she added, “...Ultra hard.”

  NOOOOOOO! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? NOOOOOO!!

  Akuchi’s cheeks flushed… at least, I think they did. Hard to tell with his dark skin and the shadowy alley. But he definitely preened, hearts in his eyes.

  …

  “Yes! The answer is YES! I can’t wait!” he decred, trembling with otaku-like excitement.His skirt flipped in the process as he surged up to his feet.Under it was a loincloth.Which revealed—

  OH NO.NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.That is NOT what I wanted to see.Why does he have a BULGE that huge?!?

  I jerked my head away, whimpering.

  No… no… no… no… nooooooo……..

  Akuchi struck what could only be described as a magical-tanuki transformation pose, and his form began to distort. His face morphed, eyes merging together into a single giant headlight. Arms curled inward, reshaping. His torso twisted, folding in on itself in ways that no human…

  would be able to survive. His legs spun, bent, and rearranged. His spine elongated. Metal ptes shimmered from nowhere.

  By the time he finished, a massive motorcycle stood where the tanuki man had once been… complete with a saddle big enough for two riders.

  On the seat, engraved in ornate gold lettering, were the words:

  “Akuchi the hot ride for his Master! Ride HARD!!!”

  NOOOOOOO!!! YOU SICKO!!!

  I stumbled backward, practically tripping over my own feet. Rui just eyed me like a bored doctor examining a patient’s X-ray.

  “Are you insecure about your masculinity? He’s a freaking motorcycle. You aren’t really lewding him! Just get on!”

  She hopped onto Akuchi without any hesitation. Somehow her going first made it fractionally less mortifying for me.

  “You should be the one to drive me, Master!” Akuchi cried joyfully. “This is weird! I never signed up for a threesome!”

  … He’s utterly sick in the head…

  “Uh… I can’t drive a motorcycle. If Oni can, she should be the one to drive you.” I muttered as I hesitantly climbed up behind Rui.

  “Awwwwww! Disappointing! I’ll do the driving if I must! Where are we going again?” Akuchi asked, practically wagging his imaginary tanuki tail.

  “To the closest train station. Gooooo!” Rui spped his back end with her umbrel like she was whipping a racehorse.

  Akuchi neighed…ACTUALLY NEIGHED…

  …and unched forward at something like 160 kilometers per hour.

  I screamed and instinctively, grabbing Rui’s ft chest to keep from being yeeted off the back.

  “Ehehehehe! Go go go go!!!” Rui cackled, loving every second of my suffering.

  Akuchi shot onto the boulevard, weaving through traffic like the world’s most deranged bullet train. Cars, buses, trucks… he slipped between them as though the ws of physics were completely beneath him.

  “Ahhhhhhhh!” I shrieked every time we almost hit something, which was all of the time. Akuchi’s entire frame vibrated, skidded, pivoted, and slithered between vehicles like he was easily drifting through human lives. Like that lone leaf gracefully dancing on its pee puddle.

  “Hurry, Akuchi! Your master will die if you don’t get us there faster than this!” Rui hollered, beating his rear harder.

  Foam literally sprayed from Akuchi’s headlight-mouth. The world blurred into warp speed. Streetlights turned into neon streaks.

  “N-nooo… I’m really dying now!!!”

  Ayaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyai!!!!!!

  My soul left my body three different times.

  The speed increased again, as if my screaming was Akuchi’s nitrous oxide.

  The world rocked. The universe seemed to rattle. Everything tlted.

  I felt like Mexican beans shaken in a jar hard enough to break the jar. They just wouldn’t stop jumping!

  Then…

  SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECHHHHH!

  We came to a dead stop.

  I did not. My stomach was miles away in a blink. Goodbye stomach.

  I flew through the air like a tragic stunt double. I might catch up to my stomach at this rate!

  I crashed onto my back, sparks bursting dramatically around me like it was the final battle of a sentai episode. I skidded so far I thought I might actually catch fire from the friction.

  Groaning, I stared up and saw Akuchi parked triumphantly at the station’s entrance. Rui was still mounted, extremely thrilled… but slightly nauseated.

  “Master!!!” Akuchi wailed dramatically.

  “Don’t just lie there, idiot!” Rui yelled, hopping off. “Anyway, we need to get going! Akuchi, hurry up and hide our presences! We’re wanted here. We can’t be seen. Quickly! We’re entering the depths of the train tunnel to hunt!”

  “I can do this but first, you little monster, my master clearly isn’t well!”Akuchi reverted to human form in fast-motion, rushing toward me, tears flowing dramatically. “I’m so sorry! I’ve harmed you! PLEASE tell me you’re all right!”

  “S-she IS a monster…” I groaned, feeling like my helmet was about to fill with vomit.If I puked inside it, I’d drown. Or the helmet would unch like a bottle rocket full of projectile horror. Either scenario was a war crime.

  “Oh come on, idiots! Your master is mighty. It takes more than that to kick his ass. Let’s go!”

  Akuchi stopped crying and his eyes shone. He nodded wordlessly as though what she said was extremely profound and moving.

  Rui barked. “We have less than thirty minutes left! We gained some time, but it’s too close to his Cinderel Deadline! Please use your spiritual powers, Akuchi!”

  “A Cinderel Deadline? Oh! I see! Yes! A heartfelt ‘please’ speaks volumes!” Akuchi puffed up proudly. “I’ll oblige you! But remember… if you run into anyone, the spell breaks instantly!”

  I forced myself to my feet. Akuchi raised a hand, and three leaves sprouted between his fingers.

  “I’ll pce these on our foreheads. If they come off, the spell will end.”

  He darted over and spped one onto Rui’s forehead. She vanished instantly with a soft poof.

  Then, he turned to me, grinning.

  “And now for you, Master!”

  He gently pressed the leaf against my forehead.

  A burst of shimmering energy exploded around me.My body flickered.The world thinned…Everything became a little transparent…It was although there was a veil of smoke between me and everything else.

  Relwing