1.21: Turning the Other Cheek“HUG MY ASS!!!” I screamed as I charged toward the horrible monster that had just gobbled up Rui whole.

  I threw my fists high above my head, ready to bring them down on Rickey’s disgusting getinous bulk with all the dramatic righteousness of a sentai hero. Rickey quivered like a haunted Jell-O mold.

  “H-hug… so warm… your… ass? Why? New… ritual? Ass-ent,” Rickey blurbled.

  Before I could process that, I smmed my arms downward… only for Rickey to slide away with slime-coated speed, smooth as ice on polished wood. A loud slurping noise followed, like someone dragging a carpet shampooer across a swamp.

  My hands sliced through empty air.

  …

  …

  SIZZLE.

  Something burned my butt!

  “YAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII!” I shrieked, leaping skyward and clutching my backside. I danced in pce like a man possessed. It felt like my ass had been set on fire with industrial-grade chili oil.

  Then I realized the seat of my bodysuit had been dissolved away. My face flushed beet-red beneath the helmet. I turned stiffly to Rickey.

  “D-Damn it! You just ate my ass!” I accused, milking it for all it was worth.

  Rickey belched. “No… they taste not… good. You asked… a greeting of me. I obliged.”

  I wanted to die.

  “Where’s Rui?! She’s my only hope! That moronic violent loli… give her back to me!” I stomped, though doubt gnawed at me. What could I do against something with no bones, no organs, and no shame?

  “Ah… hug ritual… completed… wish to see? I accede,” Rickey slurped.

  His body rippled, glowing faintly, then split apart. Rui’s small form slid out of the ooze, coated in luminous slime. Her expression shifted from horror to perplexed calm. I sprinted to her and threw my arms around her. I didn’t know why I cared so much about this wicked little oni, but seeing her alive made tears gush from me like broken sprinklers.

  The slime washed from her body.

  …And so did what was left of her clothes.

  ALL of her clothes fell away to dissolve into awful fumes.

  My tears turned into a torrential waterfall the moment I realized she was naked.

  “A-awwwwwww!” Rui sputtered through the deluge. “That’s so gross! Don’t hold me when I’m naked, BAKA!”

  She clenched her fists.

  I knew what was coming.

  THWACK!

  I shot across the void like a ballistic missile, flipped end-over-end, and face-pnted into the concrete. The impact created a crater, which promptly filled with my tears.

  “Rickey, Susumu… stay where you are. No peeping! Wait patiently,” Rui commanded. “Your silly ritual is over, so talk! I’m here for information. In exchange for my cutting-edge fashion, tell me everything I need to know.”

  CRINKLE… CRINKLE… CRINKLE…

  RUSTLE… WHOOSH… WHEW… RUSTLE…

  I stayed pnted in the puddle like a drowned tree until she finally said, “Okay… talk, Rickey. And Susumu, stop being dramatic and get out of your pond. I’m decently dressed.”

  I peeled my face from the floor, water spraying everywhere. Wading toward Rui and the getinous nightmare, she spoke first.

  “Isn’t it true that you ran in earlier? I couldn’t see anything at all, but based on how Rickey moved and all the noise, I knew you’d charged to my rescue.” She fshed me a little grin. “You’re not a noh-nuts after all.”

  Warmth bloomed in my chest. “I-I couldn’t help you, though… he just made me look like a fool.”

  “Hug, given,” Rickey gurgled like a proud frog.

  I gred. Rui’s smile vanished and she jabbed a finger at me. “But you ignored my orders. If you’d hurt Rickey, he wouldn’t have helped us. You could’ve ruined everything.”

  I winced. She wasn’t wrong.

  “Anyway,” she said, turning back to the blob, “everything worked out. Now, Rickey, let’s get to the point. We’re investigating a rampaging noh-face hunting along the train lines. Tell me what you know.”

  “Rui… like sky today… beauty… radiant light… light of circle… so bright…” Rickey whispered like a melting poet.

  “Aww, you’re poetic as usual, Rickey. But save that for your girlfriend,” Rui groaned. “Focus.”

  “Mmm… hunts well… but sloppy… leaving bodies… all around. Such waste. Must feed… all must…” Rickey bubbled. “Don’t like… way. We… both… live in… shadow. So reluctant… never once… truly one with… the dark. Mmm… soft… caress of nyx… You… new yokai… you embrace… not… lose way…”

  Those staggered words carried a horrible, eldritch kind of wisdom.

  Embrace the darkness.

  This disgusting bastard was an edgelord philosopher.

  “Tell us where it lives, Rickey,” Rui reminded him.

  “Mmm… darks of… Yamanote… prefers it. Obsession… drives it. Pushes to new… horrors. Chaotic… no organization… cannot reason. Lost… lost much. Desperate. Steals… reaves… bereft. Wants… all… find thing.”

  A shiver ran through me.

  The noh-face wasn’t just a monster.

  It was a starving nightmare spiraling out of control.

  “T-that’s very helpful, Rickey. It was worth losing my beautiful shirt. A small price to pay for intelligence!”

  “Seek… the one… who… like… sun. Blinding… always dream… sun. Never… to behold. Nyx… my partner… my fate. Has… been… of assistance?” Rickey gurgled, each word bubbling like a swamp that learned speech.

  Rui nodded quickly and leaned forward to offer him another cautious kiss on whatever part of his body counted as a “kissable surface.”

  I stared, horrified and awestruck.

  How can she DO that?!

  Rickey smelled like a rotting compost heap dunked in battery acid. And yet Rui looked completely unfazed, even affectionate.

  The bioluminescent blob pulsed brighter after the kiss, glowing like a radioactive va mp.

  “You’re so courteous, Rickey,” Rui said with a cheerful wag of her finger. “Thank you for your beautiful poetry. Such an amazing soul… but you are absolute hell on clothing.”

  She took my arm and began leading me away from the glowing nightmare.

  “Always… pleasure…” Rickey burbled happily behind us. “Come… again… give me… kiss… wonderful…”

  Wonderful, he said.

  His voice wobbled like getin in a hurricane in a blender.

  Rui gnced at me as we walked. “By the way, Rickey’s a yokai from the United States. That’s why his speech is so awkward. His nature is different from ours.”

  “Eh? He came from that far away? Why’s he even here?”

  Rui sighed and smiled faintly. “He works well in darkness. And he takes contracts from the Yakuza.”

  “Eh? I knew they were still around, but I didn’t think they did much anymore…” I noh-blinked, confused and terrified.

  We reached the basement door, and Rui nodded. “They’re not very active these days. The human ones, anyway. But the yokai branches… Ha! Very bold. On the surface, Japan looks perfectly safe. But beneath that… Rickey is their corpse-removal specialist.” She tapped the door. “Didn’t you figure that out?”

  OH KAMI.

  I’d wandered straight into criminal yokai cleanup ops.

  “What kind of horror story have I been cast into…?” I whispered.

  The door swung open. The light outside hit us like a tactical fshbang.

  My noh-vision whited out. Even Rui squinted.

  “Did you wet yourself?” she asked casually, stepping into the sun.

  “N-no…” I gulped, trying to recover.

  “I’d offer you one of the sungsses Ume packed, but I doubt they’d help you,” Rui said as she slipped on her own pair.

  I stared at her new outfit. Instead of her usual calligraphy shirt, she wore a kind of goth-punk ensemble: ripped knee pants, studded wrist bangles, and a dark halter-top. It suited her far too well.

  “At least it’s cuter than the st outfit,” I said.

  She froze, turned, and narrowed her eyes. “Are you insulting my friend’s fashion sense?”

  “What? No—”

  “These aren’t to my taste,” Rui muttered, cheeks pinking. “But it’s my fault for forgetting what Rickey does to clothes. Ume didn’t. I really should’ve skipped him. He’s pleasant enough after his ritual. Just… lonely. He writes poetry on internet forums during his downtime. He’s actually fairly famous. The girls flood his threads, swooning over his prose.”

  Despite missing the wardrobe she’d left her office with and smelling faintly of slime and salt water, Rui grinned brightly, energized.

  “Why do you look so happy now?” I asked.

  “Is that a problem?” she shot back. “Will you deny me the joy of seeing friends along the way on our dreary little mission?”

  “…No. If you’re happy, that’s good,” I said. I even noh-smiled. “As long as we catch Noh-face before midnight.”

  “Such a nag…” Rui rolled her eyes. “Sve driver.”

  I stopped walking mid-step.

  She’s calling ME that? HER?!

  “We’re off to see another beautiful face as Rickey hinted,” she said, humming as she skipped ahead.

  I sighed. And followed.

  “Is her face really so beautiful? Like the sun?” I asked. “Will she have more information?”

  “Maybe,” Rui said, humming louder.

  MAYBE?

  “Her tea and treats are way higher css than even Ume-chan’s. Oh… hehehehehe…” She broke into a maniacal cackle.

  So…

  This was just another excuse to visit a cute girl and inhale sweets, wasn’t it?

  I checked my phone.

  Sixteen fifty.

  As we walked, something slowly dawned on me.

  People were smiling at my outfit.Some gnced at my backside, blushed, and hurried past.No one pointed.No one stared too long.

  Everyone was politely pretending nothing was wrong.

  The sun warmed my now-exposed rear.

  At least my face was safely hidden inside the helmet.

  If I hadn’t worn it, everyone would see it reddening like a ripening tomato.

  Six hours of humanity left.

  Relwing

  Me vs Censorship when it comes to comedy and ecchi!

  What I wish I could do to censorship!