Chapter 27

  Steam slowly rose from Kalh’s dead body. I burned through all my mana reserves on him. So now I’m stuck remembering what it’s like to have broken ribs. Spoiler: not fun. Until I get some mana back, pain, my loyal buddy, is sticking around. Fuck, how I missed it… Wouldn’t mind passing out for a bit. Why’d I dump my last points into stamina? What a moron. Wait, no… Maybe those points saved my life. Oh, and I gained two levels. Shit… I’ll deal with that later. This pain’s killing my brain. I’d trade those levels for painkillers in a heartbeat. No in-game store here? I’d even donate some cash.

  Nimus kept sobbing over Kalid’s body. Guess they were real tight. And he probably didn’t give a shit about his other pal. I watched, and I wasn’t sad. Nah, I wanted to laugh my ass off. Maybe I’ve lost it and turned sociopath, but I don’t care. I’m just cracking up at Kalh’s dumb dead face. His dark-red skin got even darker. Eyes like a snake bit his ass at 2 a.m. while he was on the shitter. Tongue hanging out. Blood—or brains?—leaking from his ears. Demon delivery, sir? Yeah, half-roasted. -Kalh’s face- AHAHAH. Honey, I forgot sunscreen. No biggie, it’s not that hot today. -Kalh’s face- AHAHAH. Boss, something’s fucked, no power. Move aside, rookie, I’ll handle it. Flip the switch! -Kalh’s face- AHAHAHA… Ow… Fuck… This hurts…

  Once a bit of mana trickled back, I started piecing my bones together. I’m getting pretty good at it. Meanwhile, Nimus got to his feet.

  - We gotta go… – he said firmly.

  - Yeah… Sorry…

  - Don’t be. I get it. You had no choice. (Unbelievable… I almost feel bad for all the bullshit I fed him. Nah, never mind, I don’t.)

  - But your friend…

  - No! The fate of all demons is at stake! Compared to that, one life… one life… – Nimus collapsed to his knees again. Damn, it’s like Titanic up in here. – It’s all my fault… I’m too weak… I caused this!

  Nah, this ain’t Titanic, it’s Good Will Hunting. I’ll play along.

  - It’s not your fault.

  - No…

  - It’s not your fault… – I put my hand (the unbroken one) on his shoulder, trying to calm him, but it didn’t work. Weird, it always works in movies…

  - He was… We were always together…

  - Don’t blame yourself. (Or me. I was just passing by.)

  - He always protected me… (Yeah, yeah, I don’t give a shit.)

  - Took care of me… (Couldn’t care less.)

  - Did so much for me… (Oh, wait, what is that? Empathy? Nah, still don’t care.)

  - Everything was fine until Kalh showed up… (Wait, what? A gay love triangle? Don’t tell me I gotta comfort him that way. Fuck that…) – I slowly pulled my hand off his shoulder.

  - We’re running out of time. Save the grief for later. – I said quietly, pouring all the weight of my cold-ass feelings into my voice. (Nice shoes. New bag too… All thanks to my man. He’s literally burning up at work. -Kalh’s face- AHAHA… Fuck… Don’t laugh… Don’t laugh…)

  - Yeah, sorry. You got hit hard too. You need a healer.

  - Don’t worry. I’ll be fine in a few days. (Enough with healers. I’m done. One more and I'll develop a reflex to kill for that word. Just haul your ass, scoop me up, and sprint to the gate!)

  - Then I’ll carry you to the gate. (Uh… Hope you’re not reading my mind? No? If you are, uh… I don’t always mean what I think, so… No reaction. Probably just a coincidence.)

  We hit the road again. Silent this time. Nimus was too down, and I was just passed out. When I woke up, my bones felt more or less okay, but I was too damn lazy to walk…

  - How far still?

  - A few days.

  Good thing Nimus didn’t ask shit like: Why don’t I know how long it takes to reach the gate if I’ve been there? I’d have weaseled out somehow. But one question’s bugging me: how the fuck do these demons tell time? Got Rolexes for biological clocks?

  Alright, we’re almost there, so it’s time to think about another issue. Vаer said (or was it Grok? Can’t remember) a weak demon can’t pass through the gate alive. Those two had levels around four hundred and called themselves weak. I’m level twenty-eight and think I’m a badass demon. If it’s just about ego, I’m good. But if not… On the other hand, if this place is a prison for demons, the gate’s magic should only affect demons, right? Since becoming a half-demon, I still feel hunger, so the magic here only half-works on me. Question is: how half? For safety, I’d grind a couple hundred levels, but I don’t have that kinda lifespan, so I’ll have to risk it.

  We walked a narrow, winding path between jagged rocks until it opened up. When we stepped into the clearing, my jaw hit the floor. Shock made me forget how to breathe. The sheer insanity of the sight was about to break my brain. The entire horizon, edge to edge, was blocked by a massive wall stretching up into the gray clouds. I felt like a damn bacterium. (Why’s that feeling familiar?) It took serious effort to pick my jaw up. So this is a dungeon? Am I in the Earth’s core? How the hell do you fit this under the surface? This is nonsense…

  While I tried to process it, I saw something else that rebooted my digestion. In the colossal wall, quietly glinting with a mysterious metallic sheen, stood gates a hundred meters wide and fifty high. They were decked out with dozens of epic bas-reliefs of horned demons, mostly chowing down on humanoid creatures in bulk. You could tell right away what kind of gate this was and where it led. But the artistry blew me away. So many details… The way the artist captured the fear and despair on those human faces—masterpiece. The demons were so majestic and terrifying, it gave me chills. A bit exaggerated, sure, but I’m not complaining. Pure genius, no words. Turns out, hell’s a fucking Klondike of talent. I’d love to meet the artist, but I’m more interested in the glowing green EXIT sign I imagined above this work of art.

  Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

  Nearby, I spotted a massive creature that fit the scene with its sheer size. Bigger than any demon I’d seen. Three stories tall. Huge muscles, veined like crazy. Long, powerful arms and legs. And three ugly dog heads on three ugly dog necks. As we got closer, we saw what it was doing: chucking rocks at a makeshift target on the wall near the gate.

  - What a loser! – said one head.

  - The rock slipped, that’s all. – replied another.

  - Yeah, sure. Like always. Haha. – the first kept going.

  - My turn, gimme the body. – the third chimed in.

  We got closer. Up close, this thing looked even scarier. I glanced at my dagger, then the demon, then back at my dagger. Fuck… I need a drink…

  - Lord Cerberus, apologies. – Nimus said tactfully.

  - Shit!

  - Don’t sweat it, you’ll hit next time.

  - Haha. Yeah, like the last twenty times. Haha.

  - Weren’t you taught not to talk when someone’s throwing?

  - What, the wind messed you up, loser?

  - I demand a redo!

  - Gimme the body, failure.

  - No!

  - Fuck, stuck sharing a body with these morons…

  - Shut it, Left. You’re crossing a line. You’re no better than Right.

  - Don’t make me laugh. If I was Middle, you two wouldn’t stand a chance.

  - Fuck you, we’re not giving you the body if you’re that cocky.

  - You’d die in minutes without me.

  - Uh… Excuse me, Lord Cerberus? – Nimus tried again.

  - What? – The left head finally noticed us. – Wanna pass through? Show the permit and scram.

  - Rudeness not an option? – said Middle. – Sorry about him. Going to the surface?

  - Not exactly. Has anyone passed through recently? – Nimus asked.

  - Recently? – The heads exchanged looks. – Nah, no one in the last month.

  - Really? Great! We made it! – My partner lit up. I wasn’t as thrilled. I’d hoped someone had passed, so we could chase them.

  - Yo, you forgot? Your memory’s shit. Three days ago, one went through. – said Middle.

  - Oh, right… We were arguing with Right about whose head looks cooler.

  - They’re the same, idiot.

  - Bullshit! Mine’s the coolest. – Left wouldn’t quit.

  - Dumb as a door. Can’t even remember three days ago. – said Right.

  - You forgot too.

  - Did not.

  - Then what’s her name?

  - Lilia.

  - The fuck kinda name is that?

  - Shut it, moron, it’s a fine name.

  - It’s wrong.

  - Then you say it.

  - Won’t.

  - Why not?

  - ‘Cause fuck you, I don’t have to…

  While the heads bickered, Nimus slumped to the ground.

  - Was it all for nothing?… Kalid…

  - No, there’s still hope. – I was brimming with enthusiasm. – If I go to the surface, I can catch her. Trust me. We’ll get the proof! (What luck, almost perfect. Just gotta feed some bullshit to three more pairs of ears.)

  - Sorry, Cerberus, but I need to pass through urgently. State-level business.

  - Cool, show the permit.

  - I don’t have it.

  - WHAT?! – Nimus shouted.

  - Ksiron took it when I was captured.

  - No permit? Then why the fuck are you here? Get lost.

  - You don’t get it, it’s an emergency.

  - Like what?…

  - The demon you let through three days ago had proof Ksiron’s allied with humans, planning a coup in hell. The fate of thousands of demons is in your hands!

  - A coup? What nonsense…

  - It’s true! – Nimus protested. I love these conspiracy nuts. Give ‘em a nudge, and they’ll defend your lies harder than you. – My friend died for this. Please… We can’t let more die. I can’t pass, but Elon’s done it before. He’s our last hope.

  - Hold up, if you’ve passed before, you’d know you need a permit.

  - No time for this dumb bureaucracy! If we do nothing, demons will die!

  - You care that much? – Right asked, surprised.

  - Uh… (Guess not all demons give a shit about their kin.)

  - Of course! – Nimus couldn’t hold back. – Open the damn gate!

  - You don’t get it… – said Middle.

  - Get what? Enlighten us! – Nimus’s righteous fury boiled over.

  - If you don’t fuck off now, I’ll turn you both into paste. Got it? Fuck, you’re annoying. – Left cut him off. Nimus’s fury vanished under the giant demon’s pressure.

  My partner shut up, but his teeth kept grinding. Even the mightiest crumble before bureaucracy’s infinite power. Looks like convincing him won’t be easy. Only one thing can help—corruption.

  We stepped back, leaving Cerberus to himself, if you can call it that.

  - What a prick!

  - Chill, buddy, I get it, I’m pissed too. (You bet!) But we can’t just sit here. We gotta act. How do we bribe this beast?

  - Bribe Cerberus? No clue. He’s one of hell’s strongest demons, up there with generals, maybe stronger. I doubt we’ve got anything he can’t get himself.

  - What about sneaking through? You distract him, I slip out.

  - Can you open the gate? Cerberus isn’t here for fun. Only he can move that thing.

  - Thought he was here ‘cause he’s never bored…

  Fuck, what now? I need a plan, fast. I could wait for someone to pass through, but if it takes too long, Nimus might ask dangerous questions. Gotta ditch him. Seems like my only way out. Shame to kill Nimus. He was a decent guy. Or maybe I won’t have to? Hmm… This could work…

  I went back to Cerberus. I’ve got a plan. It’s tricky, though. Some technical details. Gotta go all in, no tricks.

  - You again?

  - Yup.

  - We told you, no permit, no deal.

  - I get it. I wanna talk to you, Left. And it’d be nice if those two didn’t hear. – I pointed at the other heads.

  - What?… – Right didn’t get it.

  - How dare you? – Middle fumed.

  - Chill, guys. What’s the big deal? I just wanna chat with your… friend? Brother? Whatever, you’re not losing anything. Why not agree?

  - Yeah, losers, this is my convo, got it? Hand over the body and look away.

  - Like hell!

  - What, jealous?

  - Jealous of what…

  - Found a buddy as dumb as you, idiot.

  - Yeah, yeah… Give me the body. Alright, what’s up?

  - Can you crouch? Don’t want them hearing.

  Cerberus didn’t mind and leaned down so I could reach his ear.

  - Listen, I can make it so the body’s all yours. Like, cut off the other heads’ control.

  - What?

  - No, wait, they’ll be fine, just can’t control the body. You’ll have all the power. You can’t keep trusting your precious, jacked body to these losers. They’re shaming Cerberus’s fearsome name. Every demon in hell’s saying, “If only Cerberus had just the left head…” All I want in return is for you to open the gate. Small price for that service.

  Left went quiet. Bet this idea got him thinking hard.

  - Deal… – he finally said. (Yes! HA HA! It worked! The rest is just details.)

  - Open your mouth, I gotta stick my hand in.

  - That necessary?

  - Hate to say it, but yeah. Better in the mouth than the… Anyway, yeah, necessary. Just don’t bite it off. Be a shame if you did.

  - Fine, fine, don’t piss yourself.

  Left opened his maw wide. I took a deep breath—Holy Virgin Mary—and shoved my hand in up to the shoulder. Completely fucking insane.

  - What’re you doing?

  - Ugh… I’m gonna puke.

  - Right, look away. Left’s totally lost it. How do we live in this body now?..

  After messing with the wiring, I reached the other two necks and fried their spinal cords. No reaction, but no surprise—they were already offline. I pulled my hand out.

  - Done.

  - For real?

  - Yup.

  - Let’s test it. Yo, Middle, take the body.

  - Gladly!… What? Something’s wrong…

  - Come on, Middle, hurry up.

  - I can’t…

  - Can’t what? – Right was shocked.

  - Try it yourself.

  - What the fuck… I can’t either… What’s this shit?

  - AHAHAHA! You nailed it, kid! Just like you said! AHAHA!

  - What’d you do, you little shit?!!

  - Sent you to retirement, losers! Haha! WOOO! I’m in charge now! The leader! You’re just two useless lumps!

  - HEY! Give us the body back! Fix it now!

  - Yo, kid, can you undo it?

  - Nope.

  - AHAHA! Hear that, idiots? Who wants a scratch behind the ear?

  - You fucking scum!!!

  Done deal. Now for the big part.

  - Left, how about your end of the bargain?

  - Bargain? Oh… Right… Sorry, here’s the thing… You’re clearly new here and don’t know I physically can’t open the gate without a permit. It’s not just a paper—it’s an artifact made by the lord. Like a key. So, uh… I fucked you over. But AHAHA… Don’t be sad, AHAHA…

  -

  -

  - Whaaaat?…

  - All good, kid. You did great. AHAHA…

  -

  -

  - Owww?…