Chapter 28

  - Alright, listen up, you Chernobyl Hachiko, when that bitch comes back, you’re letting me through, got it?

  - Chill, chill, don’t lose it.

  - What? We can’t! – the middle head protested. – If the lord finds out…

  - Shut it. How’s he gonna find out? You gonna snitch? Didn’t think so. Know why?

  - Get your hands off me!

  - Or what? Haha! You’re such a prude, huh? Freaking out when I pick my nose.

  - No! What… What’re you planning?

  - Gonna give you some war paint.

  - Nooooo!

  - This is too far!

  - Pipe down, Right, or I’ll paint you too.

  - …

  - That’s what I thought…

  My hands were shaking with rage. I wanted to rip that smug head off and use it as a punching bag. But who’d open the gate then? I’ll hold it together… Hold it… Deep breath… Exhale… Inhale… Exhale… I’m calm… Calm… Gotta distract myself. Do something soothing. Something to restore my inner balance. Bring back harmony. Got it. I’ll lie down, rest, and calmly dismember a few doggos. Then peacefully rip off their heads, stitch them into a three-headed scarecrow, and gently pound it into paper-thin mush. Brilliant plan.

  - When’s she coming back?

  - Fuck if I know. Maybe a day, maybe a week.

  - Got it… I’ll be nearby.

  - Suit yourself, kid.

  I went back to Nimus, who was waiting in a sprawling cave near Cerberus’s post. He looked wrecked.

  - Don’t sulk. It’s not over yet. I bet we can squeeze something out of the messenger when she returns. Maybe even find a letter or some shit. We’ll wait and nab her.

  - We gotta fight to the end. Even the smallest chance is worth grabbing. I’m with you, Elon.

  Yeesh… Bet Nimus’s life was boring as hell till now. His ass was screaming for adventure. Plus, I think he’s drunk on feeling important. Being useful – that's the missing piece for many. Especially for those who have two left feet.

  So, waiting mode: activated.

  No clue how much time passed. Nimus said about three days. I’ll probably die without ever figuring out how these demons tell time. It’ll keep me up at night when I finally get back to the normal world. Oh, great… I’m calling the Middle Ages the normal world now. What’ll I even do if I get out? No idea… What do I want? Binge series? Play games? Neither exists. Even if they did, no YouTube cash. I’d be filming reactions to beet-hoeing vids, reviews of new torture methods, or some nature channel without leaving home. Either way, I’ll do what I’m good at. And no, I’m done with farming. At least until someone invents a combine harvester. I’ll probably join an adventuring guild and dive back into my favorite cycle of getting into and out of deep shit. First, though, I’ll hit up my adoptive dad for some coin. Hope he hasn’t croaked or eaten all his wealth. Then I’ll go wild. I… Uh… No, not a brothel. Not without a healer. For sure. I’ll become king and pass a law requiring a healer in every brothel. Next… Eat like a pig. Maybe bring Nimus along for the ride. Then what? Casino? Beach? Nightclubs? Staring out an open window 24/7? At least make sure there’s a sea view.

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  Time dragged, and I couldn’t sit still. Like a kid waiting for Christmas. Harder than waiting for the next A Song of Ice and Fire book. I tried making a technique to speed up time, opposite to slowing it, but no dice. I dreamed of that in the army. And teleportation. Always wanted teleportation. Says something about me, probably.

  I was getting tired of tormenting my three-headed scarecrow. (Yeah, I actually made it.) Now and then, some doggos crossed my path, and I slaughtered them without mercy. No kitties in sight. Just one tied up near the gate. Seemed interesting, so I left it alone.

  That damn succubus still hadn’t shown. Maybe this was her big escape. Wouldn’t be shocked if the other side’s full of guys dead from syphilis. Doesn’t bug me much, honestly. Just don’t wanna join them.

  I don’t think I’ll ever fully leave this place. You don’t recover from trauma like this. The pain, this hell, will live in me forever. Every night before bed, I’ll pray I don’t dream of Vaer and his skinning knife. Those nightmares hit regularly. Sometimes I shake from fear, but sometimes I conquer my dreams and go on a killing spree till morning.

  This time, Vaer got the upper hand. I jolted up, gasping for air. Sweat poured down my face. Shame I can’t wipe it with this damn mask. I clenched my teeth. No pebbles between them. Just a dream… It’s in the past… Gotta come up with a technique for this.

  I slowly turned my head at a nearby rustle and saw something mind-blowing. A herd of ice-cold horses galloped down my spine. My nerves stretched to the breaking point.

  - Elon! You’re finally awake! I did it! While you were out, I caught her! – On the ground, next to a small cart hitched to a kitty, lay a tied-up succubus. – Didn’t wanna wake you. Thought I could handle it alone. But this traitor won’t confess.

  I cautiously glanced at the gate. Still sealed tight. My nerves snapped with a loud clang, and the echo of that shitty sound rang in my ears.

  - I should’ve seen this coming…

  - Something wrong, Elon? – Nimus couldn’t grasp why my voice had zero joy.

  - Nimus, I told you to wake me…

  - But it wasn’t necessary. I recognized her. Her name’s Lilia. Catching her was easy.

  - P-please… W-why’d you t-tie me up? I-I’m not g-guilty. Please, let me go. If I d-don’t get back in time, the master’ll be furious. H-he won’t let me to the s-surface again. P-please…

  - Hmm… Nimus, come here a sec.

  - Why?

  - Wanna tell you something in private.

  - Oh, alright.

  My loyal Sancho Panza trotted over like an old dog. He was hyped, like a teen at his first dance. Emotions swirled inside him. He finally felt important. Useful. His eyes burned with unstoppable fire. In that moment, he was happy. I wanted to congratulate him on that fairy-tale feeling. And who’s better at that than my dagger?

  - YOU!

  - STUPID!

  - PIECE!

  - OF SHIT!

  - I!

  - FUCKING!

  - HATE YOU!

  - DIE!

  - DIE!

  - DIE!

  - AAAAAAAAA!!!…

  Poor Lilia cowered in a corner, watching in horror as I killed Nimus. I caught my breath and approached her.

  - No, no, please, don’t touch me!

  - Shut up…

  - Please, let me go!

  - Shut your mouth, I said!

  - O-okay…

  - Hand over your permit.

  - What?

  - The permit, bitch, now!

  - But… but… I don’t have it anymore. It’s one-time use… I already used it, sorry…

  - MMMMMM FUCK! … SHIT! … FUCKING HELL! … AAAAAAAA!!! I’m mad I’m mad I’m mad I’m so fucking mad nobody in this goddamn world has ever been THIS FUCKING MAD!

  - Waaa… – Lilia started crying.

  - You! What’s your name? Can you shapeshift?

  - Y-yes…

  - Want me to let you go?

  - Uh-huh.

  - Turn into that demon.

  - Nimus?

  - Yes!

  - Why?

  - Now!

  - O-okay… – The terrified succubus used her magic. In seconds, she looked like dead Sancho Panza. Not perfect, but close enough. I’m not picky…

  - YOU!

  - STUPID!

  - PIECE!

  - OF SHIT!

  - DIE!

  - DIE!

  - DIE AGAIN!!!