Chapter 29

  - Let me through when someone’s leaving!

  - Fuck off.

  - You owe me a favor!

  - Whatever I owed, consider it forgiven.

  - Fucking hell, even kids don’t talk like that anymore!

  - Oh, they show it like this? – Cerberus flipped me the bird.

  - You little…

  - Alright, look, I’m bored anyway. Beat me in a game, and I’ll let you through.

  - Yeah… Sure…

  - No screwing you over this time. Besides, where’ve you been wandering? Your fault.

  - What’s the game?! – I exploded.

  - Rock-throwing accuracy.

  - Fine. – No way I lose with my micro-control over my body. – Where’s the target?

  - Over there. – The demon pointed toward the mountains. – See it? I stuck a doggo’s head on that cliff.

  - That tiny head barely visible three hundred meters away?

  - Yup. I’m first. – Cerberus picked up a boulder just shy of my size and hurled it toward the target. It shattered a few meters off. – Fucking hell! Slipped at the last second!

  - Mmphmm! Nghmm! – The other heads mumbled angrily, their maws tied shut.

  - I can’t throw that far.

  - What, you that weak?

  - Shit, have you seen yourself? You’ve got an obvious advantage.

  - Hey, I grew up this way. What stopped you?

  - Biology!

  - Who’s that? – Solid argument.

  - Fine, how about a different game? Like, who takes up less space on the ground wins.

  - You dumb? You’d have the advantage. That’s not fair.

  - What?! And… And… This is fair now?

  - I don’t give a shit. I love winning.

  - And that’s fun for you?

  - Hell yeah. Hurry up. Throw however you want. Lose, and you’re my new target.

  - What? When did that become a rule?

  - Didn’t I mention? Must’ve just thought it… You get the idea.

  - You bastard… Fine. You said any way I want? You didn’t take it back.

  I cut a strip from my cloak, grabbed a small stone, and tucked it into a makeshift sling. If memory serves, David beat Goliath in the end. I perfectly calculated the spin speed, sling length, flight angle, and release timing. I’m a fucking Pentium 4… Here goes:

  - Convulsive Long-Range Rock-Throwing Technique with a Makeshift Sling!

  Damn, too long…

  - CLRRTTMS! – Yelling my signature move’s name, I launched the stone. It arced cleanly through three hundred meters and landed smack on the doggo’s head.

  - Yes! Ha! How’s that?! I win! David’s the best!

  - What? The head didn’t fall.

  - It wasn’t supposed to.

  - It was. We talked about it. They’ll back me up. – Cerberus pointed to his other heads, but they shook side to side, to his shock. – Traitors… You cheated anyway! I demand a rematch!

  - No fucking way!

  - Yes!

  - No!

  While we argued like schoolkids, some guy rode up on a demonic stallion. Well, that didn’t take long – I thought. Perfect. I’ll slip out with him. Just gotta deal with this damn mutt.

  - Message from the lord! – the rider announced.

  - What? A message? Yo, you’re heading to the other side, right? Please say yes.

  - About that… Long story short… Shit’s hitting the fan over there. Everyone’s gone nuts. The lord banned anyone from leaving hell ‘cause he heard about some traitors. Anyway… Cerberus, you’re ordered back to the center.

  -

  A few hours later, I sat by a broken trough, hands limp. My head was dead silent. No thoughts. No emotions. Just sitting, slowly breathing sulfur-soaked air. I felt like a robot. Guess I am. Just a biological robot. Don’t need all this consciousness crap. Fuck… I watched so much YouTube junk… Why didn’t I look up how to do a lobotomy at home?

  Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  Next to two Nimus corpses, Barsik the kitty lay calmly with his cart. He wasn’t bolting anywhere. Probably trained. Nothing to do, so I checked the cargo.

  The load surprised me. What would demons haul? Weapons? Drugs? Booze? In a wooden crate lay an insanely cool black armor set. It shimmered with pearlescent sheen, leaking an elusive shadow, like it was bursting with untamed heat. Every detail screamed aggression yet was refined and majestic. Next to it, a small mirror. Of course… I know a guy who loves preening in exclusive armor.

  First time I saw my reflection. Even with the mask, my bright yellow eyes stood out from what I used to see. My body was a bodybuilding benchmark. Never thought I’d get these results. Would bang myself right here. Only thing bugging me was the huge scar on my stomach. Regeneration isn’t healing. It leaves marks.

  The cart also had five barrels. Dried heads, oil, tea, or whatever demons value, I thought. Nope. Popping the lids, I found five perfectly intact, perfectly massive, perfectly divine barrels of beer…

  -

  A few hours later…

  -

  - I’LL DROWN MYSELF IN A DEEEEEEEP RIIIIIIVER!!!

  - THEY’LL FIIIIIND ME SOOOOON ENOUGH!!!

  - YOU’LL CRYYYY, YEARS WIIIIILL PASS!!!

  - NO ONE CAN FORGET ME TILL DEAAAAATH!!!

  - Hic… Fuck… ki… kitty… Gimme your paw… Gimme paw-paw… Hear… Hear me? Hear… Hic… kitty! Bad! No! Bad… Sit! Bad… S-Sit! … Want some beer?... Here… Take it… Bad! No! Let go! You… You… Fucking goat… Dumb… What’d you do… Bastard… Give it back… Hear me?... Huh? Run!... Hear me?... No? Hic… Fine… Whatever… Fuck it… Sorry… We’re sorry… It don’t hurt meeee!... Haha… Got it, yeah?... Haha…

  - Nimus… Yo… Hear me?... Why so serious?... Take half a beer… It’ll be fine… Oh… You’re… Hic… Dead… Well… Hic… No biggie… We’ll… Hic… Do you a defili… defibi… de-fuck-illation… Fuck… You get it… Hic… Doc… Doc… We’re losing him… He’s got… What’s it… Lupus… Haha… Nimus… Nimus, fuck… Hear me?... Why… Why’s there two of you?... No… Wait… One… Two… Three… Three… Oh, no… Counted myself… Fuck… One, two… Three… What the fuck… Don’t move… Lemme count… Fuck… Think you can screw me?... No way… Fuck… Gotta… Gotta piss… Watch… Gonna be hilarious… Electro Stream! Haha! How’s that… Fuck… Hic… How’s that, E-Elon… Max… Hic… Did you know… If you piss on rails… It won’t kill you… The electrified ones… Got it?... I… I can… Hic… Kill ‘em… Haha… I’m fucking Chuck Norris… Haha… Rails… Hic… Rails died… Flying to heaven… And… And they don’t let ‘em in… Haha… ‘Cause… ‘Cause they’re too long… Haha… Told to fuck off to hell… It’s awesome there… Haha… Oh… Oh… Look… Your buddy… Running, fuck… I’ll scratch… B-Behind his ear, fuck… Take it!... Take it! Take it! Fuck… Awesome… Lie down, bitch… Good boy… Unlike some… Nimus… I gotta tell you something… Something big… Fucking huge… Listen… You… You’re a fucking moron… That’s it… No… You’re a good guy… But… You’re a moron… Don’t care if you’re mad… You’re an idiot… I told you, fuck… Wake me up… And what’d you do?... Now the gate, see?... It’s what?... Right… Fucking closed… Got a key? No key… So fuck off… Oh… Idea… Gotta… Knock… Haha… For sure… Barsik… Let’s knock… No?... Then fuck off… I’ll do it myself…

  - I’M GOIIIIING!!!

  - TO FARAWAY MOUNTAAAAAINS!!!

  - TO WIIIIIDE PLAIIIIINS!!!

  - I’LL ASK THE WIIIIIND OF THE PEAKS!!!

  - TO NEVER SLEEP TILL DAAAAAWN!!!

  - OOOOOOH… Fucking huge…

  - Boom! Boom! Boom!

  - FBI, OPEN UP!

  - Boom! Boom! Boom!

  - Open it, fuck… I wanna go home.

  - BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

  - FUCKERS!!! OPEN THE DAMN DOORS!!! … Please… Please…

  - …

  - Uh, anyone there? (!!!BOOM!!! Did that voice just come from behind the gate?) … Nobody? Thought I heard a voice behind this wall…

  - What? No way. (Enother voice behind the gate)

  - NO NO! I’M HERE! I’M HERE! IT’S ME! ME! HERE! YES! IT’S ME! I’M HERE! ALIVE! ME! PLEASE! I BEG YOU! OPEN IT! I’M HERE!...

  - …............... Uh… Who’re you?

  - Hic…..... I’m…......... Elon…..... You?

  - I’m Kris…..................

  - Okaaaaay…................

  - How’d you get in there?

  - …................... Where?

  - Inside!

  - …...................... Where?

  - How’d you get behind that wall?

  - Uh…........ Tough question…..... I-I don’t know… Hic…

  - What? How don’t you know?

  - ….............. I don’t remember…

  - I don’t get it…

  - Me neither… Listen… C-Could you… Hic… Crack it open a bit?

  - It can be opened? Like, a secret passage in the wall? Awesome! We’ve been trying to find it for half a day.

  - …....... Yeah…........... Might be bigger than you think. Hurry up and let me out.

  - So, you got in there somehow, don’t remember how, and now you can’t get out?

  - … Cough… Cough… Yeah… Kinda…

  - Maybe you accidentally hit a lever or something?

  - … Lever?... No levers here. Just despair…

  - What’s wrong? You crying?

  - … No… Yes… I’m just… I’m so fucked up…

  - What?... Chill, kid, we’ll help you.

  - Really?

  - Sure. Just tell us how you got there. We lost plenty of brave heroes reaching the last floor of this dungeon. Didn’t expect to find anyone else here.

  - I don’t… I don’t… Fucking hell…

  - Easy, calm down…

  - Yo, you see a stone in there? – A rougher voice asked.

  I slowly looked around. Yeah, I definitely see stones. Lots of them.

  - What stone?

  - The Creation Stone.

  - The fuck?

  - The stone the prophet said is in this vault. It can open a portal to earth for endless evil. If the wrong person gets it, we’re in for literal hell. Demons will rise from the depths. Shit’s serious! The prophet said its power’s fading daily. We gotta find it and bring it to the kingdom! So, you see it?

  (Don’t laugh… Don’t laugh…)

  - AHAHAHAHAHA! Fuck!

  - What’s with you?

  - You guys… You guys… You guys are right on time…

  - What? What do you mean?

  - Nah… Haha… Nothing… It’s all good. I got the win!

  - Really?

  - Hell yeah… The stone, fuck… What’s it called… Got it in my hands, swear. So open the damn thing. Or I won’t be responsible for what happens.

  - But… Shit! Remember how you got in!

  - Need a key or something… Look for it. Or pick the lock, whatever… Hurry up. If you don’t open it now, I’ll eat it, hic… And you’ll be fucked… Demons, doggos, and all sorts of crap…

  - Hold up, Greg, there’s something like a keyhole here.

  - Magic lock. No key, no way.

  - Fuck, then stick your dick in it! Magic dick! I don’t care how, just open these fucking gates! You got any idea what I’ve been through? I… I… I feel like shit…

  - Need a master artificer. High-level one. Get it, Kris? He didn’t just wander in. This is too suspicious. Gotta be a trap.

  - What?... Hic… You fucking kidding? What trap? Open the damn gates, or I’ll rip your assholes out!

  - Gotta get outta here. Monsters’ll respawn soon. We can’t handle it alone. I’m not even sure we’ll make it back.

  - Fuck! Don’t you dare leave me! You pricks! Let me out! Let me out! Let me the fuck out!

  - Maybe you’re right. We can’t open the passage anyway. Gotta come back prepared.

  - No!!! Don’t leave me! Please… Sorry I called you pricks. You’re not pricks, just two lonely guys dungeon-crawling. I’m a bit drunk, talking shit… I’m… Yo! You hear me? You already gone!? HEY!!! Where you at!? You pricks! I’ll fucking kill you! I’ll find you, fuckers! No! Don’t leave me! – BOOM!!! BOOM!!! BOOM!!! – Come back! – BOOM!!! BOOM!!! BOOM!!! – I’ll die here alone… – BOOM!!! BOOM!!! BOOM!!! – Please…

  That’s it… They’re gone. I dropped to my knees and puked on the damn gate. Why’s the whole fucking world turned its ass to me? Why… I’m probably the unluckiest creature to ever exist on Earth. Can’t fall any lower. I… I… I… I’ll fucking destroy it… This whole goddamn fantasy world! Think you can flip me off and I’ll pass out? I’ll grow a bigger dick! I’ll fuck the whole damn planet with it! The whole damn planet…

  - BOOM!!! – I slammed my fist into the gate, leaving an ominous bloodstain. Fuck… What the?… Where’s the blood from? Wait! Where’s my pinky?